Never Understanding

A few days ago, I had written a letter to my parents, explaining how I have OCD, I’m Wiccan, and that I am bisexual. I must say, that was probably the most idiotic thing I’ve ever done. Did I think they would understand? I am so dumb sometimes

Hello, Who Am I?

Adria Maria

Dec 31, 2015

Perfect lines and circles and scales,
Preset shapes and purples to blues to greens
Left, then right, then left and right again.
Mismatched pairs and my lungs are closing up.

Hi, my name is Lilly Alexa Carder. I was born October 19, 2002. Yes, I am only thirteen, but souls are ageless and minds are never sure when to stop gathering knowledge.

I guess you can say I am a bit philosophical. I love to read. If there was a world record for reading quickly, I think I would get into the higher ranks. Of course, though, I can’t say. I don’t know how fast the people of the world can read. I only know the immediate people around me and mine.

I am self-diagnosed OCD. Sadly, my parents ignore it so I can’t actually go get help. I know there are other ways for me to do so. Other family members and teachers I could tell and so on, but I think the reason I don’t tell put my foot down and demanding it is because I think I really want to be perfect for them. Then, I realize that that’s exactly what OCD is about.

It doesn’t matter which version (there’s not exactly versions of course) you have, we want to be perfect. We clean ourselves so we can be perfectly clean. We do and fix things so they’re perfectly straight. We check things so they feel perfect to us. We check over and over that we didn’t hurt someone because we wouldn’t be perfect. And I think that, subconsciously, I want to be the perfect child in their eyes. Crazy, I know right?

So, um, I guess you got some sort of idea of who I am. Bye!


Lilly Carder